I love Christmas.

I really do, and always have.

The songs, the snow, the joy of Jesus coming down….

All of it.

But truthfully, a little bit of sadness gets mixed in now, for me.  Everyone seems to get nostalgic this time of year, and age-old traditions are unwrapped and visited once again. My little family has those “Christmas customs”, too. But the part that makes it a little difficult for me is not having memories of my own childhood Christmases. They are just gone, with all the rest of the history of ….well, “me.”

Now, every Christmas, I’m reminded of ALL that I lost.

I lost my life.

Or at least a mighty big part of it.

And there’s really no one I can talk to about it. No one I know is in the same boat, and that is sometimes such a lonely feeling.  But I was reminded the other day, that there IS One who knows.

One who lost His perfect life, with His perfect Father, in the most perfect of places.

And He CHOSE to lose it!

To become a baby. A lower class, boring baby…and chose to lead a boring, lower class life. Until the day He died a dirty, rotten criminal’s death.

All for me.

I think about all the things He needed to say goodbye to before taking up residence in a girl’s womb.

Golden skies, perfect love, perfect peace, perfect joy!

Such an amazing life.

Gone in a moment.

Mine feels like that too. Mine wasn’t  exactly “amazing”, but it was MINE.

Now, I know my life is pretty darn amazing today, and I’ve been changed, been made more beautiful because of all that I lost.

But there are days I need to mourn all that is gone, most of which will never return.

And I can mourn with Him, and He with me. He’s holding my hand everytime I feel lost in my own life. I like to think of Him giving it an extra squeeze in those moments of pain.

Once again, Emmanuel (GOD WITH US) knows.

He knows about losing His life.

He knows about losing loved ones.

He knows about betrayal, abuse, and any other painful thing you could ever imagine.

And that is how He is WITH us.

Jesus is such a gift!

The only One I will ever need.

“I am the living bread that came down from heaven. If anyone eats of this bread, he will live forever. And the the bread that I will give for the life of the world is my flesh.”

John 6:51

4 Then Jesus was led up by the Spirit into the wilderness to be tempted by the devil. 2 And when He had fasted forty days and forty nights, afterward He was hungry. 3 Now when the tempter came to Him, he said, “If You are the Son of God, command that these stones become bread.”4 But He answered and said, “It is written, ‘Man shall not live by bread alone, but by every word that proceeds from the mouth of God.’”5 Then the devil took Him up into the holy city, set Him on the pinnacle of the temple, 6 and said to Him, “If You are the Son of God, throw Yourself down. For it is written:‘He shall give His angels charge over you,’and,‘In their hands they shall bear you up, Lest you dash your foot against a stone.’”7 Jesus said to him, “It is written again, ‘You shall not tempt the Lord your God.’”8 Again, the devil took Him up on an exceedingly high mountain, and showed Him all the kingdoms of the world and their glory. 9 And he said to Him, “All these things I will give You if You will fall down and worship me.”10 Then Jesus said to him, “Away with you, Satan! For it is written, ‘You shall worship the Lord your God, and Him only you shall serve.’”11 Then the devil left Him, and behold, angels came and ministered to Him.

Matthew 4:1-11

Sometimes, I feel a little headless.

Your head is where you store all the facts you could possibly retain. It’s where you turn when you’re trying to show off while watching Jeopardy. It’s where you go when you’re trying to recall a memory.

It’s a pretty important part of the body.

So important, in fact, that the bible says we need a helmet for our head in order to protect our SALVATION! The head must be pretty crucial!

Why?

Because it is the place where TRUTH resides!

The truth is not in the heart, for the bible says that the heart is deceitful above all things. The heart is where our emotions live, our fleeting and ever-changing feelings.

I will confess that I follow my heart much more often than my head. I will follow a FEELING right off a cliff sometimes!

Our emotions are extremely powerful, and will often lead us down a very dark road of loneliness, bitterness, and hate.

But look at how Jesus handles being tempted by Satan! First, understand it had been 40 days since He’d eaten anything. He was exhausted, starving, and in PRIME position to be taken down by any enemy.

How did Jesus respond to the direct hits of Satan? He spoke the Word of His Father! Repeatedly! Never once did He complain about needing a cheeseburger, or a nice warm bed. He relied on what He KNEW, not on what He FELT!

There is such a lesson here for us!!

How many marriages, relationships, friendships would still be in tact if it wasn’t for somebody succombing to their feelings in the heat of the moment? Instead of speaking truth, which is eternal and never-changing, we speak from our feelings, which are about as constant as a wisp of wind.

I am challenged today to speak words of truth over every situation in my life, not to waste my time on shallow feelings, which will soon change. God, please help me to stop losing my head!!

 

About three years ago, a friend from church came up to me and asked if I would please pray for her cousin. She then told me this heartbreaking story of a young woman who was pregnant with a baby girl, one of her biggest dreams. At her 20 week appointment, she discovered there was something very wrong. The doctors told her if the baby survived, she would most likely live only a few hours.

Having a miscarriage myself (no, I am NOT putting my loss in the same GALAXY as hers!), that kind of loss, that kind of dream-shattering loss, broke my heart for her.

I immediately began reading her blogs about baby Evie, following her journey, and sobbing the whole way to the bitter end when they buried their precious baby girl in her tiny box.

Then, a little while later, I was OVERJOYED for her when she announced she was pregnant, and then later that it was a baby girl!! We celebrated ( it feels like we’re friends even though we’ve never met.) when baby Jocelyn came into this world,.

Healthy!

She then got pregnant again. Happiness was flowing again.

Until.

At the 20 week appointment, she received very similar news. She was going to have a baby girl, and she will most likely lose her just like she did Evie.

There are no words to even say.

Nothing.

The words I DID have, like “why?”, are just pointless.

So, now the people who love her are walking with her on this black road, maybe a little wiser this time around, which will be a blessing to her, I’m sure.

And I remembered something.

Four years ago, something nobody ever expected to happen, happened to me. When my church found out I had a massive stroke that morning and was soon going in for surgery, everything stopped. Friends said you could have heard a pin drop in the building. Then everyone began praying. For a while!

I guess technology made it possible for MANY churches around the country, and even some around the world (!) to begin praying for me.

A girl none of them had met.

When I got home, cards from California, Florida, Georgia, Germany, Sweden, and Africa were flooding my room. I cry every time I think about them or look at them. Those were just a small sampling of everyone who was praying for me.

The absolute LOVE I felt…can’t yet describe it.

But I was wondering if we could maybe do this for my friend, “Sarah”? Could we tell our church groups to remember this family in prayer? Could we all lift her up in love?

Because I know first hand there is power in that!

She is about 30 weeks now, and I can’t even imagine what kinds of thoughts she is wrestling with, but I’m guessing there are a lot of dark ones.

Her attitude is, “We know we can survive this, because we have already. We just don’t want to.” Who would???

So, please, don’t forget about this girl.

Like you didn’t forget about THIS girl. (me)

Devote yourselves to prayer with an alert mind and a thankful heart.

Colossians 4:2

I learned something interesting the other day.  The Jewish holiday,  Yom Kippur,  has a special purpose.  It is the day that everyone asks for forgiveness from God for all of their sins that year.  But what’s interesting is what happens the day BEFORE!

That day is called Erev Yom Kippur. I like to think of it as Yom Kippur Eve. ☺ This is the day that the Jews ask for forgiveness from PEOPLE.

It is said in some texts that the Jews believe you cannot ask forgiveness from God until you have asked for forgiveness from the people you have hurt.

Wow!

Now,  I’m not saying we should all do this   or that it’s a command from God or at.  But I love the idea of providing healing to those we hurt before coming to God.  Actually,  I believe it IS a command! :

So if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you,  leave your gift there before the altar and go.  First be reconciled to your brother,  and then come and offer your gift.
Matthew 5:23,24

So many times,  we talk ourselves out of approaching each other and admitting our wrongs.  We say,  “The Bible says,  ‘Against You and You alone have I sinned.’ (You,  being God). We think it’s enough to take these matters to God only.  But it often isn’t!  If you were careless with your words or actions with a friend,  and you only ask God to forgive you,  where have you left that friend?

Stuck in a hurtful place.

And I’ve learned that it is not fair or kind to say,  “Well,  she’s responsible for her own actions.  If she can’t forgive,  then I guess that’s on her.”, and we never even attempted to make right!

It is true we need to forgive even without an apology,  but why should that ever happen in the Church?

Tip for all of us :
If we ever hear ourselves saying that sentence,  we should know right away that we screwed up.

We are family.  And we’re supposed to take care of each other. We are not supposed to cause even the slightest bit of strife!

Make every effort to live in peace with everyone and to be holy: without holiness no one will see the Lord.  See to it that no one falls short of the grace of God and that no bitter root grows up to cause trouble and defile many.
Hebrews 12 :14,15

Listen.  I know none of us is perfect,  and we’re going to mess up in a bunch of different ways. But I know I need to heed my own advice in this area!

I don’t ever want to be the reason “many were defiled.”

1How long, O Lord? Will You forget me forever?
How long will You hide Your face from me?
2 How long shall I take counsel in my soul,
Having sorrow in my heart daily?
How long will my enemy be exalted over me?

3 Consider and hear me, O Lord my God;
Enlighten my eyes,
Lest I sleep the sleep of death;
4 Lest my enemy say,
“I have prevailed against him”;
Lest those who trouble me rejoice when I am moved.

5 But I have trusted in Your mercy;
My heart shall rejoice in Your salvation.
6 I will sing to the Lord,
Because He has dealt bountifully with me.

Psalm 13

I recently heard a speaker talk about the many different types of bankruptcies for which people can file. The most severe kind is Chapter 7. You file for this when you have ZERO rescources. Zilch, zippo, nuffin.

But if you file for Chapter 13 bankruptcy, you are declaring you have just one resource you can claim.

That’s what makes Psalm CHAPTER 13 (get it?) so very wonderful. David finally realizes toward the end of this chapter, that he is most definitely not alone! He has one resource, and it is the absolute BEST one he could have!

This psalm kind of speaks the words of my similarly bipolar heart. Destitute, despairing! But wait! Thank You!!

“How long?” Man, have I asked this question too many times to count. Maybe you have, too?

How long must I wait for my spouse’s heart to be changed?

How long do I have to continue on with this illness or pain?

How long do I need to wait for You to bring me my children back?

How long do I have to fight this battle?

How long?????

It is so difficult to continue pressing on with joy when God seems to go silent on us. We can’t even hear a whisper blowing in the wind from His lips. It got me thinking…maybe He does this so we can learn to be trusted with His silence. I mean, THAT is seriously the toughest thing in all the world to do: to walk when we cannot see, to rejoice when we cannot hear! To have joy without being given any explanations.

People sometimes make fun of David for his “woe is me” psalms, with a sudden turn-around at the very end. But honestly, aren’t we ALL a little like that? So many nights, I am crying, listing all the things that are wrong in my life, begging to hear ANYTHING from God. Then a switch seems to turn on. “Wait! You ARE here! I know You are! I know You love me! And you give me so many good things! Just forget about all that nonsense I just spewed. Thank you!”

Bottom line. Whatever horrible situations you are facing today, He HAS dealt bountifully with you! We don’t deserve any of the goodness He gives, yet He keeps on giving. The good BOUNTIFULLY outweighs the bad!

My only RESOURCE in this life is most definitely more than enough for me.

11 Jesus continued: “There was a man who had two sons. 12 The younger one said to his father, ‘Father, give me my share of the estate.’ So he divided his property between them.13 “Not long after that, the younger son got together all he had, set off for a distant country and there squandered his wealth in wild living. 14 After he had spent everything, there was a severe famine in that whole country, and he began to be in need. 15 So he went and hired himself out to a citizen of that country, who sent him to his fields to feed pigs. 16 He longed to fill his stomach with the pods that the pigs were eating, but no one gave him anything.17 “When he came to his senses, he said, ‘How many of my father’s hired servants have food to spare, and here I am starving to death! 18 I will set out and go back to my father and say to him: Father, I have sinned against heaven and against you. 19 I am no longer worthy to be called your son; make me like one of your hired servants.’ 20 So he got up and went to his father.Luke 15: 11-20  Did you ever hear the expression: “There is no such thing as unanswered prayer. There is only yes, no, and not yet.”? I guess that’s true. The no’s and the not yet’s sure are disappointing…and frustrating!! I’ve had my share. “Lord, please give me a husband.” “Lord, please give me a baby.” “Lord, please give me that job.” Some of those were not yet’s, and one was a flat out no! But many years later, when I look back, I wasn’t ready for a lot of that stuff. Not spiritually, physically, emotionally, or intellectually. I look at those no’s now, as God’s protection over my life, and even over the other lives that could have been damaged severely , had I gotten what I wanted way too soon. (But trust me. I still do some damage to my husband and kids! It just isn’t as bad as it could be.) I’m not sure why the father gave his son the inheritance he clearly wasn’t ready for. But he gave it anyway. And after losing EVERYTHING, his son returned to him, wiser and humbler, and a ton more thankful! He knew he wasn’t ready for more than what the father would give him from now on. But there is something else in those verses I want to show you. At the beginning, the words the son uses to the father are, “Father, GIVE me.” But the words at the end are these. “Father, MAKE me.” Wow. Isn’t that us? “Father, give me this job.” “Father, give me this spouse.” “Father, give me this car/house/etc.” INSTEAD OF: “Father make me honest, responsible, and full of integrity.” “Father make me patient, gentle, loving, and respectful of others.” “Father make me disciplined and full of wisdom.” FATHER, MAKE ME READY FOR THE THINGS YOU PLAN TO GIVE ME. I’ll be honest. My prayers are so often of the “give me” kind. And now, I’m so glad for all of those no’s He so lovingly gave me. But I’m challenged today to change my language when I pray. I WANT Him to make me holy, faithful, loving, patient, gentle, and meek, and so that will be my focus when I pray. Even when praying for others, this should still be our focus. We probably shouldn’t be asking God to get people out of tough or painful situations, but maybe we should be praying that God would MAKE them more like Him in all the ways I just mentioned, if He deems the trial is necessary. The prodigal son asked to be GIVEN something in his immaturity. But when he grew up a little, he asked to BE something. I will, too.

So my dear brothers and sister, stand strong.  Do not let anything move you. Always give yourselves fully to the work of the Lord, because you know that YOUR WORK in the Lord is never wasted.
1 Corinthians 15:58

One of my favorite places to walk is in the cemetery near our house. It’s not because I’m morbid or anything. Okay, I’m a little morbid!

What I love about it is the quiet lack of noise. All you can hear is birds singing, branches swaying and creaking, and leaves rustling.

I love the trees, too.  Old, and strong.

I actually have a favorite tree there. From one angle, it is tall, wide, sturdy, and strong! But if you walk to the other side, you will see something else entirely. You see, this tree was struck by lightning many years ago. Almost everything on the inside of the tree is just…gone. It stands there, completely hollowed out.

Four years ago today,I had a massive stroke.

I guess I became that tree.

My childhood memories were gone, and I can barely remember anything from even high school and college.

My short term memory is a mess, too. So if I missed a lunch date with you, well, sorry! 😉 My comprehension is pretty shot, too. I’m a hot mess!

People will sometimes (rarely) ask me what it’s like being me now. I love the questions, by the way! It shows you remember and you care.

Anyway, imagine not remembering much at all about your entire life as a kid, and a teenager. If you can’t remember who you were, then how do you know who you are? You feel lost. You feel alone. You feel like you are empty, hollowed out. Like my tree.

Sure, I look fine. I usually can walk without a limp. I don’t need a wheelchair or a cain, and for that I am so thankful! But just because you can’t see the damage doesn’t mean there isn’t any. And I guess that’s true for a lot of people suffering invisible pains or losses.

But that isn’t the end.

You would think that tree would be dead, with having nothing left inside. But look at that picture again. Those branches have tiny buds of life on them!!

It turns out it doesn’t matter what was lost in that lightning strike so many years ago. Every spring, the tree brings forth life, new life, because its roots are STRONG!! The roots are what gives life to the tree, even though it seems like all is lost when staring into the cavity of that stricken and beaten beauty.

I don’t remember my childhood, but I KNOW I was raised to believe that Jesus is our only hope in this dark, sin-soaked world.

My roots are STRONG! Even though I sometimes feel lost and empty, I know my God is faithful, and He is filling me with some of the best things I could ever dream of!

Compassion!

Faith!

Joy!

Peace!

Hope!

Patience!

Endurance!

Love!!!!!!!!!!

I am grateful He struck me down four years ago. Strangely, it was the most loving gift I have ever received.

He gave me New Life, in every sense of those words!

And I don’t mean to waste a single bit of it.

“Nothing Is Wasted” by Jason Gray

The hurt that broke your heart
And left you trembling in the dark
Feeling lost and alone
Will tell you hope’s a lie
But what if every tear you cry
Will seed the ground where joy will grow

And nothing is wasted
Nothing is wasted
In the hands of our Redeemer
Nothing is wasted

It’s from the deepest wounds
That beauty finds a place to bloom
And you will see before the end
That every broken piece is
Gathered in the heart of Jesus
And what’s lost will be found again

Nothing is wasted
Nothing is wasted
In the hands of our Redeemer
Nothing is wasted

From the ruins
From the ashes
Beauty will rise
From the wreckage
From the darkness
Glory will shine
Glory will shine

Nothing is wasted
Nothing is wasted
In the hands of our Redeemer
Nothing is wasted

We love Him because He first loved us.

1 John 4:19

Isn’t this the greatest sentence ever written???

When we begin to see how His love is so very perfect, steadfast, complete, eternal, and so so satisfying, we CAN’T HELP but to love Him back!! That’s how powerful it is! I am so grateful that kind of love has been given and shown to me!

I see in this verse a lesson. If the bible says, “Love others as Christ loves you”, then I’m pretty sure we should be striving to love like He does.

Love attracts people, when it’s real. When someone shows you real, genuine, true love, you honestly can’t help but to begin to love them back!

Whenever someone hurts me, I find it really tough to continue to show love to them, probably like most of us. But I have learned that WITHOLDING LOVE FROM SOMEONE WILL NOT COMPELL THEM TO LOVE ME BACK. I capitalized and bold-faced that because it is such an important truth for us to lay hold of.

Think about it practically. “She hasn’t spoken to me in weeks! When I see her today, I’m just going to ignore her.” How is that going to increase her love for you, which is what you so desperately want? It will only increase the distance between you.

Not to mention, that’s not what God wants. If you care about God’s opinion, you honestly can’t say, “He’s going to continue to treat me like that, then I’m done!” You can’t be DONE with loving someone. We are called to love. Now, that doesn’t mean we can’t have healthy boundaries with toxic people, but we really can’t stop demonstrating love for them.

God never stopped loving ME, even with the millions of times I’ve rejected Him, denied Him in some way, ignored Him, and betrayed Him.

When I see, REALLY SEE, His love for me, it makes me want to love Him back. And it makes me want to give that love to the people God places in my life.

Love is the most powerful tool in the entire world!

It sent a man to suffer betrayal, torture, and a hideous death…for me and for you.

Make no mistake. Love will cost you.

Sometimes it will cost you everything.

But if you really love others, it will be worth the risk to never withold from them the most amazing gift they might ever get.

 

I just heard a speaker mention something I had never known before. He said there is one animal on earth who does something different from any other animal on the planet. The creature is a gnu, which looks like a cross between a really weird looking deer and a buffalo. Not really winning any beauty contests there!

Anyway, what makes him so special is how he positions himself for battle with other gnus or with a predator. He kneels on the ground. I guess it’s because his horns are his greatest armor and weapon.

Regardless of the gnu’s reason, I found myself wondering how often I go into spiritual battle (that’s EVERY battle we ever have!) on my knees. What is your most frequent position when confronted by the enemy? I will admit mine is sometimes the fetal one! Curled up in a corner, sucking my thumb and rocking back and forth, praying for it to quickly end. Okay, not really, but you get the idea.

I often worry first. Or bite someone’s head off first. Or implement any number of equally useless tactics.

How often do we really come to God first? On our knees? Oh, we’ll get there eventually. After we’ve tried everything else to fight the giant in front of us. But I have to admit, it isn’t always my “go to” move. And it should be!

Instead I talk to my friends about my problems first, or I go into panic mode first. I’ve been trying as of late to immediately call God into my sad state of affairs before I involve the rest of the world.

When I do that, I have more peace.

When I do that, I have more joy.

When I do that, I have more love to give those the enemy uses to hurt me.

On my knees.

FIRST!!!

God did this so that men would seek Him and perhaps reach out to Him and find Him, though He is not far from each one of us.

Acts 17: 27