This Saturday is mine and Jeremy’s sixth wedding anniversary. Funny…sometimes it feels like 2 years, and some days it feels like 22!

We sure have jammed a lot of experience into these six years… along with a lot of heartbreak, dissapointments, and last-minute decisions not to give up.

I’ve always known that, for me, divorce is not an option unless myself or my children are at risk. Because I always knew that when I said those vows, they were promises I HAD to keep.  You see, most people look at marriage like a contract or a “handshake….something you can undo with another piece of paper,with another set of signatures.

But marriage is so much more than that! It is a covenant. Covenant as defined by the scriptures is a solemn and binding relationship which is meant to last a lifetime. Covenant is the word used in the bible to represent the promise Christ makes to His bride- you and me.

He will be with you, He will not leave you nor forsake you;

Deut. 31:8

The Lord did not set his love on you and choose you because you were more numerous than other peoples, for you were the fewest of all peoples. But it was because the Lord loved you and kept the oath He swore to your forefathers that He brought you out with a mighty hand and redeemed you from the land of slavery, from the power of Pharaoh king of Egypt.

Deut. 7:6-8

And that’s what makes divorce such a tough pill for God to swallow (Yes, He gives us such examples when divorce is justified.).  Because divorce completely misrepresents God and His covenant.  Christ will NEVER  leave His bride!  Not ever. We  may betray Him, ignore Him, undervalue Him, but He will never break His covenant to love us ALWAYS. 

Human marriage was created by God in the book of Genesis.  It was created to reflect, portray, and display the “marriage” between God and those who believe in Him.  It was one of those nifty, little gospel tracts all wrapped up in the love and commitment between two people!

The thought that my marriage, even though it has its rocky spots and we manage to continue to commit, could be used to give God some glory….wow!  It makes me look at marriage in a whole new light. It’s not about roses and romance…it’s about staying with someone who made a GINORMOUS mistake! It’s about staying with someone who one day is no longer who they once were, who requires more care and patience than you ever dreamed you’d have to give.  It’s about staying when all you really want to do is jet out that door and never look back.

John Piper writes, “Jesus died for sinners.  He forged a covenant in the white-hot heat of his suffering in our place.  He made an imperfect bride his own with the price of his blood and covered her with the garments of his own righteousness.  He said, ‘I am with you…to the end of the age…I will never leave you nor forsake you.’ Marriage is meant by God to put that gospel reality on display in the world. That is why we are married.  That is why all married people are married, even when they don’t know and embrace this gospel.”

Well, I know about this gospel, and I try to embrace it everyday.  THAT is why I am married.  I love you, Jeremy. But more than that….I will never leave you nor forsake you….so that others can see the love of God, hopefully, through us.

I have been genuinely, and truly in love with God for the last seventeen years.  Now, I knew about Him and professed to belong to Him my entire life, but it became the “real deal” 17 years ago. And ever since then, my life has run into obstacle after obstacle, while my life before that point, I remained relatively unscathed.

Fifteen years ago, I started having excruciating pain in my lower abdomen. After a couple months of cringing through it, I went to the doctor. That day, I found out I had an ovarian tumor roughly around the size of a small baby!  No wonder those crunches weren’t working! : ) So, I had surgery to remove the tumor, and the destroyed ovary and fallopian tubes on my left side.  This was pretty traumatic, because I was single and wanted to have children, and I wasn’t sure if all of those things would happen now. 

Then, I had three or four more surgeries to remove cysts off of my remaining ovary.  And each time I woke up in the recovery room, I was so scared they would tell me they had to  take my last ovary.  But they never did, although I was told my chances for getting pregnant in the future were pretty slim.

THEN, about nine years ago, they discovered I had an infection in my left breast and they were concerned about precancerous cells, so they removed the infected area, and as a result, part of my breast.  I felt like a mutant…ugly, strange, and now, unlovable. I felt that no one would ever be able to love me the way that I now was. Possibly not able to have kids, and a deformed breast!  (It turns out guys don’t really care about that last one—as long as you have them! ) 

Fast forward a few years, and I miraculously got married and had a baby girl!  But trouble was still in the shadows….we lost a baby, and my marriage took a nasty blow. I didn’t think we were going to make it.  At all.

THEN!! I had a massive stroke, many smaller ones, emergency surgery due to internal bleeding, and addiction issues.   

Whew!!!!

It seems like my life just seemed to go from bad to worse ever since I made a commitment to God, to love Him and serve Him for the rest of my sad, little life!

But when I look back at those earlier circumstances, as bad as they were, they are actually a beautiful part of who I am, and of the person God is creating in me to become! I love my story now…because it’s mine! It may get worse than this at some point, and then I’ll look back at now and say, “Wow! Life was beautiful then!”

Why?

Because He’s close during the pain.  He shows up in suffering.  He molds us in our misery. And somehow makes us beautiful!! God is loving and soooo GOOD.   He only permits enough harm to make us grow, never so much that we are destroyed, no matter how “destroyed” we may feel.  So, trust Him today in your pain, because beauty is coming!

He has made everything beautiful in its time.

Ecclesiastes 31:11

Wow! Today, I am all revved up!  I spent all day feeling small, incapable, and unable, due to a doctor’s harsh words towards me about medicine I was supposed to be giving my son. In the middle of the day, I found out that the mistake was actually the doctor’s!  After calling them to communicate my concerns, I realized I had given him all kinds of power over how my day was turning out. 

And it wasn’t just him…it was several other people who have hurt me, unknowingly.  I allowed them to make me feel small, inferior, invisible, useless and weak.  That’s what happens when we allow people to have power over us, whether they meant for that to happen or not.

And all I can do is fight back with the only offensive weapon I’ve got! So the guns are loaded and I’m gonna fire off a couple rounds!:

1 Corinthians 10:31 ESV

Isaiah 2:22 ESV 

1 Thessalonians 2:4 ESV

Galatians 1:10 ESV

See? I’m feeling more powerful already!  And just about two hours ago, I wanted to quit everything and everyone.  But my power has never and will never lie in any person, just only in God, who is my strength! And if they become powerful over me, it is because I allowed them to. I can fight back anytime!  I am so thankful Jesus never gives up on me even when I do.  He loves me and He loves you, too!  So take back the power, and give it to the One who deserves it!

 

Matthew 6:13

“Jehoram was thirty-two years old when he became king. He reigned in Jerusalem eight years and, to no one’s sorrow, departed. However they buried him in the City of David, but not in the tombs of the kings.”

2 Chronicles 21:20

Jehoram was one of the kings of Judah, and as the chapter describes it, he did NOT  follow God’s commands, and basically committed every sin there is, including killing his own siblings.

His story is not unlike many of the other kings of Judah, but scripture clearly points out that he died, and that no one cared. And they didn’t even bury him with the rest of the kings, those that obeyed God and even those who didn’t. 

That is one sad obituary.

Joe died yesterday, and no one is sad.

I want my life here on earth to matter.  To have lasting value.  And yes, I hope I would be missed a little!  But more than anything, I want to know God thinks I used my years to shine a light in His direction, to give Him glory during the years of sun and prosperity and the years of rain and destitution.

“A man has cause for regret only when he sows and no one reaps.” –Charles Goodyear

For I am already being poured out as a drink offering, and the time of my departure is at hand. 7 I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith. 8 Finally, there is laid up for me the crown of righteousness, which the Lord, the righteous Judge, will give to me on that Day, and not to me only but also to all who have loved His appearing.

2 Timothy 4:6-8

Maybe you need to face death square in the face in order to be this serious about what kind of life you’ll live.  And I did.  I have no idea why God spared me, unless it was to share my story with others.  But whatever it is, I want my life to matter…to many, but ultimately, to God.  I can’t think of a worse heading in the paper: “Pam passed away this morning, to no one’s sorrow.”  Can you?

Start today taking your life seriously, being grateful for each day, and using each one to give God glory!

I love the convenience of voicemail. Sometimes I just want to tell someone one little thing, and I don’t have time to have a long conversation.  And sometimes it’s because you know if you have to talk to a particular person, you are afraid you’ll never get off the phone!  So, you’re a little relieved when you hear the message instead of a “hello”.

There are times, though, when I really WANT to have a conversation with a friend, and it’s always a little disappointing to  be bounced back to voicemail.

I think that’s kind of how prayer is for a lot of us.  We’re just leaving Him a voicemail.  “Hey, just calling to check in….umm, so and so really needs a job, and what’s his face is in the hospital and really needs healing, and you-know-who is really getting on my last nerve…so could you work on that, too?  Okay, amen.” 

The word “amen” has become code for “goodbye”, when that isn’t at all the meaning of that word.  It actually means “a declaration of affirmation”, or “strong expression of agreement.”  So, how can we agree with anything God says if we never talk long enough for Him to get a word in?

Prayer is conversation.  I feel terrible about the times I’ve dismissed God with quick little voicemails when He so desperately wants to TALK with me!  Imagine, the God of the universe, who created the oceans, seas and our intricate bodies wants to talk with ME.  And I dismiss Him!!!!  Really, how dare I!

He wants to be the friend who follows us around on errands, the one we talk to in the car, in our house, in school.  He wants a flowing conversation that essentially never ends.  When I’m in my car now, I treat it as though He is sitting next to me, and we’re driving around town, talking about important things and a lot of not-so important things.  And I think He likes the unimportant things just as much as the big stuff.  Why?  Because we’re TALKING to Him!  Including Him. Not just dropping Him a voicemail and checking it off my to-do list when I finish my message.

This may not seem like a major epiphany for most of us. We all know God wants to talk with us and be with us.  So, why aren’t we changing the way we pray?? 

Let’s start today.  Invite Him into your errands.  Into your whole day.

Invite Him into your life.

 

I Thessalonians 5:16-18

James 5:13-15

 

I have always wanted to skydive.  I have always wanted to have that thrill of falling through the air, and at the last second, pull that cord and just float through the clouds, amazed that “ I did that!” Now, since I’m a little older and a little more cautious, I just wonder if I would be brave/crazy enough to even jump out of the plane!

But I have realized something very recently.  Ever since my relationship with God became real, genuine, and intimate, I HAVE been skydiving! Jumping out into the unknown for the last seventeen years, diving through health problems, plummeting through heartbreak, and screaming through huge obstacles.

 

Hebrews 11:1

“Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see.”

 

Some people may think people who love God lead boring, uneventful, unadventurous lives.  But I know that the people who really walk with Him would say the exact opposite! 

Mothers with sick children are DAILY climbing mountains of doubts and fears.

People with chronic illness are diving out into the pain of knowing things may never get any better.

Godly single women are bungee jumping through this crazy, morally corrupt world, desperately hanging on to the promises of God for their lives.

And the list goes on and on.

And it isn’t bravery that those people really display.  It is faith. Walking into the unknown, all the while having a modicum of peace within us, innately knowing that everything will be okay in the end.

 

THAT is skydiving!!!!!!

 

Do you ever find yourself in a battle with YOU?  I do…all the time.  The words I speak in order to claim them as truth immediately become victim to my doubts.  For example, as soon as I say, “With God’s strength, I will be victorious” in whatever my circumstance is that day….my doubts take that as their cue to enter in and run me around in circles, questioning whether or not I can really count on Him.

This makes me think of a father in scripture, who has just about the most sincere and honest conversation with Jesus.  Lately, mine echo his:

21 So He asked his father, “How long has this been happening to him?” And he said, “From childhood. 22 And often he has thrown him both into the fire and into the water to destroy him. But if You can do anything, have compassion on us and help us.” 23 Jesus said to him, “If you can believe, all things are possible to him who believes.” 24 Immediately the father of the child cried out and said with tears, “Lord, I believe; help my unbelief!”

Mark 9:21-24

 

Those last words are so beautifully honest!  I won’t speak for anyone else, but those are the words of my heart so often.  And because the Bible recorded that special conversation, I feel it’s okay to voice those words to Him.  In that sentence, I hear, “God, I believe! ….No, not totally, but I so much want to!”

More than anything else, God wants us to be honest with Him, whatever that looks like. And He can take care of the rest.  The rest of the chapter goes on to reveal that Jesus, of course, healed his son. 

We need to be honest with God, even if it means we have doubts about what He can do.  He never turns a child away who is asking for help!  The things I’ve been surrendering to Him, I daily take back to handle on my own. And that is my way of saying, “I’m not sure You can take care of this.” But this week, I am telling Him the truth: “Jesus, sometimes I’m just not really comfortable with letting you truly handle it.” HELP ME BELIEVE IN WHAT YOU CAN DO!”

The way I grew up, you never admitted to ANY weakness, especially with regards to your relationship with God.  But really…. God knows us inside out, so who are trying to fool?!  He desires honesty high above performance. And appearances mean less than nothing to Him. So let’s stop wasting our time and His, and just get to the point!  I don’t believe the way I should and the way I want to! So help me!  I think Jesus loves those kind of prayers.  And I KNOW He answers them, too.

There is one thing I’ve learned about marriage.  That part during the wedding when the couple unites their candles into one larger, beautiful flame…there is nothing more meaningful in the ceremony than that, to me.  Not the words, not the pretty songs,  but those candles.

I now know that it means when one is in the fire, you both are. When one is successful, you both are.  When one is angry, you both are. You both are in pain together. You are both tired together.  Husbands and wives breathe their air into the other one’s lungs all the time.

I would give anything to reverse what happened two years ago, and continues to happen, for BOTH of us.  I am not getting better…slowly getting a little worse, in fact.  My pain, I have breathed continuously into my husband’s lungs and heart.  His anger, denial, and sad acceptance I have breathed in from him.

Sometimes I feel like we are hanging onto to everything, marriage included, by the thinnest of threads.  But I realized recently, we are the same candle.  What happens to me, happens to him. And I would do better to speak life into him, BREATHE life into him, instead of the anger, frustration that we both have been breathing into each other.

I don’t want to be a tiny, little flickering birthday-type candle. I want us to be a torch! Strong and fierce!

With God’s hand holding mine, and with Him breathing all of who He is into me, I will  not let that fire go out.  Instead, I’m going to fan the flame!!! 

Ecclesiastes 4: 12

A person standing alone can be attacked and defeated, but two can stand back-to-back and conquer. Three are even better, for a triple-braided cord is not easily broken. 

 

I may have mentioned that I have an addictive side of my personality. And according to all the articles I’ve read, that addictive side to one’s self after having a stroke is magnified enormously!  But when I read that, it didn’t feel as though it applied to me.  But it does. And it always has.

My addictions have come in several different forms.  I used to buy clothes in order to cheer myself up after a bad day…and that became a huge problem for me at one point in my life, because, as it turns out, money does NOT grow on trees! 

Then there’s my addiction to food.  I used to eat, and still do, to feel better…to soothe myself.  Sometimes, when I feel anxious, I buy a pint of oysters and make oyster stew, my personal favorite…whether we really have the money for that pricey purchase or not.

Now, I’m afraid it’s more about pills and alcohol.  I used to drink a glass of wine with dinner because I’ve learned that the right wine really does make the meal a hit!  Now, I drink a glass as soon as my kids get home, so that my mind isn’t racing with all that’s going on around me. And it’s two glasses before bed to help me sleep, along with my prescribed sleeping pills, because I’m a horrible sleeper.

Well, all of this dependence on other things is not the kind of behavior I ever expected to see in myself, and writing this is pretty difficult. People are always telling me how strong I am.  Do you still think so??? Probably not.

Discipline has never been very easy for me, although I remained a virgin until I got married at the age of 34…go figure!  These days, I tend to take the easiest route…the quickest way to relax….the quickest way to fall asleep. 

You see, my heart is now divided.  I give a huge portion of my dependence to alcohol and sleeping pills instead of giving myself wholly to God, who is able to give me peace in chaos and sleep in anxiety.

6 Behold, You desire truth in the inward parts, And in the hidden part You will make me to know wisdom. 7 Purge me with hyssop, and I shall be clean; Wash me, and I shall be whiter than snow. 8 Make me hear joy and gladness, That the bones You have broken may rejoice. 9 Hide Your face from my sins, And blot out all my iniquities. 10 Create in me a clean heart, O God, And renew a steadfast spirit within me.

Psalm 51

You see, these blogs are all about honesty for me, and telling the whole truth. And this is the whole truth.  And in these last couple of days, He has renewed my heart, and I continue to pray for a steadfast spirit to relinquish those crutches which keep me from FULLY  putting my trust in him.

I know some of you may be shocked or offended.  And I am sorry for that.  But I have a feeling my story is not much different from anyone else’s.  It’s just that I’m sharing mine. Please pray that I would not get swept away by anything other than the beauty of the grace of God!

 

I always want to be honest here. And I also want to always be thankful…and I think I’ve pretty much managed to do both.  But today, I just want to say that I’m HAPPY! 

Honestly, there aren’t many days when that would be the word used to describe it.  Joyful, yes.  Happy….not too much!

But today, I am happy and so very thankful!  I am so glad my children are alive and relatively healthy. : )  There are other things going my way today too:  I actually “like” my husband today.  I can still walk without the assistance of a cane, walker, or God forbid, one of those motorized “Jazzy’s”!  Although my days are numbered on that front, apparently.  It’s gorgeous outside and warm.  My daughter said something hilarious this morning, and both of my kids are all smiles today. 

I just can’t think of one thing that is wrong, depressing, or despairing in my life right now. Boy, I wish it was like this every day.  But I am fully aware that it is not.  So, I’m going to allow myself this one day to bask in the joys of having dodged a huge bullet with regards to my son’s health.  I don’t think I breathed all day until I got the good news.  So, maybe it’s not so much happiness I’m feeling….maybe more like relief. But whatever it is, I am ENJOYING it!

I do realize that tomorrow will probably not be as good as today, and I will praise Him anyway.  But while today is here, I am going to praise Him with my whole heart….and just be HAPPY!!!!