One of the more frustrating effects of the stroke is the way is messes with my memory. My short term memory is extremely challenged now, making it difficult to remember things from one minute to the next.  And my long term memory is damaged, too.  It can be a little annoying and confusing to not remember what kind of games I played as a kid, or where that little scar on my right wrist came from. 

A speech therapist told me repeatedly that all the information I had prior to the stroke is still in there…just the roads to get to that information are kind of “washed out”.  So, I have to somehow make new pathways in my brain to get to those memories and other things I used to know.

Sometimes, with no effort on my part, something will spark a memory, and I get another piece of my life back, which is pretty cool.  However, not all memories are fond ones……Just yesterday in talking with someone, a memory came back.  It was a painful event from when I was around twelve years old.  I cried for awhile last night, as if dealing with it for the first time, having to forgive all over again.

I decided that having memories is sometimes just plain old overrated!

There is another who also has memory issues:

 

I, even I, am he who blots out your transgressions, for my own sake, and remembers your sins no more.

Isaiah 43:25

 

God chooses, when we repent, to just “not remember” anything at all about it!  How does a God who knows EVERYTHING just choose to “not know” something????  Just when I think I am sufficiently amazed by who He is, He shows me something else that knocks me off my feet! Wouldn’t it be great to really, honest to goodness forget the terrible things that happen to us?  One day, we will.  But for now, I am content in knowing about His forgetfulness.  His beautiful, amazing forgetfulness.      

So when you’re beating yourself up for the thousandth time about something you’ve asked Him to forgive, remember that He doesn’t remember!  At all!  To Him, it never happened.  So move forward, and forgive yourself.  Because not only is it forgiven, it’s forgotten!

 

3 Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, 4 who comforts us in all our tribulation, that we may be able to comfort those who are in any trouble, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God.

2 Corinthians 1: 3, 4

 

When I was in the hospital last week for a couple of days, a young woman visited me. It just so happened to be the day I was very discouraged and fearful.  This woman’s name is Letitia.  Anyway, Letitia is 30 and suffered a major stroke at the age of 22, just a day after giving birth to a stillborn baby.  We had been talking on the phone for months but had never met until that day.  I saw a woman who had suffered great loss, but in the 8 years that followed, had made some sort of peace with it, and managed to get along just fine in this world after making a few modifications in how she processed things. Needless to say,  I felt 100 % better after her visit, and had renewed hope and faith to face all of these questionable days ahead. And I believe she was sent by God to do just that.

So, this week, I visited the father of a friend of mine, who has had several strokes and was told the same thing I was told…that he would continue to get them.  He was very discouraged and sad, understandably.  When I heard he was in the hospital, I KNEW I needed to go and see him.  I had never actually met him before, but after two hours just talking, praying, and crying with him, I felt strangely connected to him.  It turns out I was the perfect person to encourage him, being there myself!  I understood the depth of his fears and frustrations maybe better than anyone else could at that time. And when I left, I think we both felt lighter, stronger, and ready for the next battle!

This is what a wise man (wise in Godly wisdom)(John Mumper) referred to as the “sweet spot”.  When God uses someone to minister to you in a profound way, and you in turn, encourage someone else in a way only you can do, it is definitely a sweet spot to be in!! It’s not like that “pay it forward” concept, where you search someone out for whom you can do something kind.  It’s way bigger than that.  It is passing on the comfort you receive to another who is as desperate for it as you were.

I’ll tell you something else.  THIS is the picture God has of what His church (the body of believers) is supposed to look like.  A constant emptying out of ourselves, and then filling up, then emptying out again.  Over and over.  Using our unique set of circumstances and struggles to do so.  That is beautiful.  And I really hope I keep myself in such a position to find myself there again and again. Because it is DEFINITELY  a sweet spot!

20 You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives.

Genesis 50:20

You’ll have to pardon me for using this verse again in one of my posts. It’s one of my favorites, and whenever I see it come alive in my own life, I HAVE to mention it.

On New Year’s Eve, I found myself in the hospital, having what turned out to be my fourth stroke in a year and a half.  The first one was the doozy, and the other three were relatively minor.  But they ended up running many tests, which meant I needed to stay for two nights. 

Well, I was so discouraged that first night, and most of the next day. Thoughts about how this would one day just finally kill me flooded my brain and my heart.  Top that off with the frustration that this was my attitude during a crisis, and you have one sad, pathetic soul on your hands!

But as the day went on, having some encouraging visitors lend their support to me, I went to bed feeling this was NOT going to get the best of me, no matter what the tests in the morning revealed.

In the morning, I had my testing and was then sitting around in my room, waiting for the results.  My roommate, Patricia, a very sweet elderly lady, kept asking me if I was getting out that day.  She seemed as hopeful as I was to be released! As I sat there talking with her, I remembered the last two nights, she was complaining to all of the nurse staff that her back was so itchy. And only one kind nurse took the extra time to give her some relief.  So, I asked her, “Patricia, how is your back? Is it still itchy?” She said, “Oh, yes. It is bothering me something fierce!”  “Can I scratch your back for you?” She looked at me, a little surprised, and said, “ Oh, if you would’t mind.”  I smiled at her and began scratching away while we continued to talk.

I kept going until she said she felt so much better. And she had tears in her eyes when she thanked me over and over.  I told her it was no big deal, because in truth, it wasn’t. It didn’t take me away from anything important or anything.  And it’s not like it was difficult work!  But it seemed to mean the world to her.

The first night I was just so sad, having to be in that stupid hospital again, dealing with the stroke again.  But God’s intentions are always for our good, and for the good of others. And Satan’s plans just got foiled.  Ooooooops!!!

We never know why we land in some of the situations we’re in.  But we need to keep believing it is never to harm us, but rather to bring us good, or bring good out of us.  So remind me of this next time I’m in there, would you? ; )

 

Psalm 73:9 NIV

I’ve been thinking a lot about heaven lately.  It’s becoming a place filled with more and more familiar faces with each passing year.  And I’ve had my fears during the last year that I may see it earlier than I would have expected.

It’s left me feeling a little guilty over my feelings about it.  Why would I want to hold on to this earth when heaven is waiting for me?  This may sound like a defeatist attitude, but shouldn’t we all be excited about being in the very presence of God??  Yet, sometimes we get a little too comfortable down here…attempting to make the earth as much like heaven (perfection) as we can.  Rich Mullins sums it up best:

 

“but I am no longer a child

I am no longer afraid of the dark

I have new things to fear

I am no longer afraid that I will drift away from this world

I am afraid I will never escape it”

 

When I think of the countless number of people in heaven, worshiping and praising God together, their voices raised, their hearts overwhelmed with love and joy…there is no place I’d rather be.

But then life rushes in, and thoughts of tomorrow’s plans seem to push out that desire to see and go to our real home.  I am not anxious to die, but I don’t want to be anxious to stay HERE, either.  If I live for forty more years, I hope it’s with the knowledge, hope, and joy of one day getting to see Jesus and all of the glorious splendor that is waiting for me. And also with the thought that what I do on earth for Him, I will one day get to lay at His feet, as a precious gift!

“Trust in the Lord with all your heart, Lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and he will direct your path.”

Proverbs 3:5,6

Let me say this.  I love anesthesia.  I REALLY do.  I love the warm feeling that starts in my toes and works its way up to the center of my stomach.  I love feeling like I’m floating away and my cares just seem to go and play for awhile.  I also love when they tell you to count backwards from 10, and I never remember getting any farther than 7!  Truthfully, I’m so glad my parents raised me and protected me the way they did, because I could totally see myself turning into a drug addict! 

I realize I’m in the minority here.  Most people hate going under because of the loss of control, I think.  And that is truly one of the most prevalent epidemics I see in the church today.  Because we are so afraid of relinquishing our hold on our lives, we never get the chance to see what GOD can do with it!

Some of us, like me, have some of our control, or all of it, removed from our lives.  And, though, I would never wish tragic circumstances on anyone, I do believe it was one of the best things that ever happened to me.  Because each day, I have to completely depend on Him to get me through these days.  When I play my trumpet, I have to completely depend on Him to play.  I remember before…when I did all these things in my own strength.  And I don’t have a darn thing to show for it.  But now, I know my life is being used because I am letting HIM use it!!! And I wish it hadn’t needed to come to my having a stroke to allow Him to have complete access to this life which He GAVE me.

Going “under” is always a little scary…but let God have His way, and you will never regret it!

You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in your bottle. You have recorded each one in your book.

Psalm 56:8

 

I saw this verse several days ago, maybe for the first time.  I thought it was beautiful, and the image of an intimate God was immediately all I saw.

But as you know, each new day brings about trouble and heartache…sometimes in such a way it’s as though you’ve never known pain before today.  Well, yesterday was one of those days for me. But when I went to sleep last night and woke up this morning, this verse was gently singing to me.  My God is ever close to me.  So close, in fact, that He holds a bottle to our face to catch our tears as they fall off of our cheeks.  And collects them.  And He writes about each one in a special book. 

He doesn’t collect them because He has nothing better to do than to count tears on one of those “boring” days.  He does this so that we will know that each and every tear may not have mattered to anyone else….but they matter to Him.  You would be hard-pressed to find a friend who was always there to wipe your tears away, but I think it’s downright impossible to find a friend, ready to catch each one as they fall and collect them in a bottle. 

Our tears matter to our Father!  They matter. He loves us.  He is with us. He may not have kept you from being insulted, betrayed, abused, assaulted, isolated,  slandered, or abandoned.  But He is with you for all of it and cares so much about your pain, He saves every tear that you cry.

This is a God who LOVES and CARES.  Don’t ever forget that.  Ever.

 

He brought me to the banqueting house, And his banner over me was love.

Song of Solomon 2:4

Have you ever wondered if there is anyone who truly knows you?  Sees you? Loves you?  Well, after you read the above verse, you shouldn’t ever need to wonder again!

Song of Solomon is clearly the romantic yearnings between a groom and his bride. But it is also just as clearly a picture of the love of Jesus (our groom) and the church (the bride). And Chapter 2, verse 4 is my all-time favorite!  I mean, I love it.  Especially the last part.

You see, banners of biblical times were often used when going into battle or returning from battle.  And they contained some sort of proclamation.  Some were simply used for times of celebration. You can take whatever you want from this verse, but I understand it to mean this:  Jesus is saying about me, about each one of us, “See? She is all mine!  And all I can ever say about her is the LOVE I have for her!  That’s it!  Love!”

We have a lot of banners we’ve carried over the years….from mothers, fathers, siblings, friends, spouses.  Banners that seemed to proclaim who we were, or what others limitedly thought about us.  The problem is that some of them have become labels that are pretty tough to shake. Some seem relatively harmless ( talented, brilliant, beautiful), and others contain noticeable danger (lazy, stupid, weak). And the problem with these “banners” is that all they provide is an untrue, inaccurate, or at best, incomplete picture of who we really are. 

The Bridegroom sums it up best by purely calling us love.  Because that is truly all He sees when He looks at us. So, whenever I start to feel a little useless, a little worthless…I am going to do my best to remember Him.  Because all He sees when He looks at me…is love.

 

I am the Lord’s servant,” Mary answered. “May it be to me as you have said.”

Luke 1: 38

(I didn’t plan on using this verse because it is our world’s time to celebrate Jesus’ birth.  Just a happy accident!)

     Mary was probably around 13 or 14 years old when the angel delivered the news that she would give birth to God’s son. And she was engaged to a man named Joseph.  Now, she most likely understood right away that carrying a child before being married could carry serious penalties, let alone if she disclosed the whole seemingly crazy story.  Scorn, exclusion, even stoning.

     But Mary’s first reaction was to confirm she was God’s servant and to proclaim that she obediently accepted whatever was to come.  They don’t make 14 year-old’s like that anymore.  Heck, they don’t make 40 year-old’s like that anymore!

     Really, though, shouldn’t this easily be our attitude concerning whatever circumstances arise each day?  None of us are  being asked to carry the burden Mary was.  Yet her heart was totally surrendered to the will of the Father. 

     There is another who showed that same heart of obedience.

Going a little farther, he fell with his face to the ground and prayed, “My Father, if it is possible, may this cup be taken from me. Yet not as I will, but as you will.”

Matthew 26: 39“

Jesus really resembles his mom in this verse, doesn’t He? 

I am constantly reminded of these verses when a crisis pops up, which it does most days!

Flat tires and traffic jams…” May it be to me as You have said.”

Marital conflict and stress with our children…” May it be to me as You have said.” 

Chronic sickness or even death…” May it be to me as You have said.”

     Now, I’m not saying we should raise the white flag and give up striving to correct the things that go wrong all around us all day long.  I AM saying we should take a closer look at the first part of Mary’s statement of obedience.  “ I am the Lord’s servant.”  To me, that means that whatever happens, it is my goal to please Him above all else.  And if He designed for my day or month or year to look a certain way, then firstly I have to accept it, and then find ways to please Him in spite of my situation.  

     The first time I ever shared this verse with anyone, I was pregnant for the second time.  This verse had really convicted me, for some reason.  Then, less than one month later, I had a miscarriage.   The level of sadness and disappointment I felt was..well, there aren’t really words.  I thought again about this verse.   I started to repeat it to myself over and over for days.  And I remember the day I said it to Him, instead.  It was only then that I began to heal and to seek to please God in light of what He allowed in my life.

     You see, our victories in the most minor of problems starts first with the attitude of our hearts.

     I SO  want to have the heart that cries, “ May it be to me as You have said.”

Psalm 119: 5-7

5 Oh, that my ways were steadfast in obeying your decrees!6 Then I would not be put to shame when I consider all your commands.7 I will praise you with an upright heart as I learn your righteous laws.

      Did you ever see the movie “Groundhog Day”?  It stars Bill Murray, and it is hilarious!  It’s about a man who somehow keeps on reliving Groundhog Day, over and over.  And with each new day, he learns how to avoid certain mistakes he made at first…learns to avoid certain pitfalls and takes advantage of the things he discovered were working for his favor.  It gets old for him pretty quickly, but there is something to be learned from the premise of this movie.

      Lately, I’ve been feeling pretty frustrated that every day, I face the same enemies, the same exact struggles, that it seems like I’ve been living my very own “Groundhog Day”, and I honestly don’t like it very much!

Do you frequently ask one of the following questions:

Why does this keep on happening to me?

Why am I still fighting this same old battle?

Will this ever get any better?

When will I stop making the same mistakes?

      Some people think that God is testing us, for a multitude of reasons.  And that is probably true, because nothing happens to us without His permission.  But I think it goes a little deeper than that.  One thing I know for sure is that He loves us.  So, could it be He allows these same struggles to come again and again…and again, because He loves us so much that He just wants to see us be victorious against a particular enemy?  So He doesn’t so much give us test after test…but rather, opportunity after opportunity! 

       The bible says His mercies are new every day.  And I kind of think it’s worded that way to remind us that each day, no matter how badly we screw up, He will mercifully give us a new day to try again.

      I love Him so much.  Sometimes I think I show grace to certain people, but I really have no idea what grace is in comparison to Him.  This way of thinking about our days is helping me to have a better attitude about the constant struggles I face.  And maybe someday, I’ll master one of these lessons….but until I do, or until He comes for me, He will continue to love me enough to give me the opportunity.

Do you ever want to ask what a verse in the bible really means, but you don’t because it’s such a famous and simple verse and you don’t want to look like an idiot??  It happens to me all the time theses days. And not because I had a stroke.  I’m asking questions now, because of everything I’m facing, I really want to understand the promises He makes, and I want to know what these promises look like.

For example, look at the following verse with me.

2 Corinthians 12:9

9 And he hath said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for [my] power is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my weaknesses, that the power of Christ may rest upon me.

This verse was not only confusing me…it was angering me!  You see, I have never felt weaker in all of my life, and I ask (no, beg) Him to give me the power to be victorious through all of it.  And you know what?  In my eyes, nothing was happening.  Nothing was changing!  I still felt weak…useless…powerless.  Did I expect He would come upon me like a double dose of Red Bull and a couple shots of steroids?  It made me feel like I wasn’t asking correctly, and then it made me feel like maybe He’s not listening.  Then, the worst thought I had was that maybe He just didn’t love me enough.

You see, I don’t want  my faith to change my outside.  That is no longer good enough for me!  I want to FEEL it, to KNOW it…to know His power all over me.  I can’t even really explain it…

But I had someone explain that verse to me in a way that made sense to me.  He said, “if you’re looking for super-human strength to come out of your prayer, you’re probably not ever going to get it.  But you ARE receiving His power every day, because you survive each of those days you don’t think you ever could.”  (Paraphrased a little..my memory is not that great!)

The thing is, He DOES love me.  He DOES answer me.  And he DOES show up for me every time I ask out of true need.  I guess I’m not much different from the pharisees who could not accept Jesus was who He said He was…because they expected a warrior, a warrior who would fight an actual battle against their enemies and would come out victorious.  They couldn’t accept Him in the package He came in.  I don’t want to have false expectations of Jesus.  Because what He does accomplish through me, and everyone who loves Him, on a daily basis is pretty darn amazing!

Just one more thought about His love for us….Do you think it could be possible for God to so completely love you that He sent His only son to die the worst of deaths and still love you enough to want to be with you every day of your life, and then not care what becomes of you, the one for whom He gave everything He had to gain?

I don’t.